In this, the month of February and the month of love, it seems only appropriate to discuss and examine the thought that is on every discerning persons mind: What would Nietzsche say about all of this? Quiet likely he would turn to whoever had the gall to ask and say, after what would be a torturous rearrangement of his crotch, let the women and others of the street suffer as I have suffered; their loins burning and their mind on fire. A day for love is no more then a day to celebrate weakness, slavery and syphilis. I hate my mother. Bring me my Jagermeister bitch! And he would probably be right. However, in this day and age too difficult to define through a tirade of adjectives and cultural references it is unwise to follow and repeat the truth too closely. Instead, one is wiser to put personal preferences and indignation on the back burner and attempt to form a more positive view of the worlds second tier holidays.
. Valentines Day traces its origins back to Roman times when throngs of horny teens would meet and randomly select a mate for an entire year with whom they would be allowed to do whatever pleased them. This usually resulted in a lot of fun, harmless, pagan sex and debauchery. Along comes the Christian Church. Jealous of the pagans vastly superior ability in the realm of all things concerning primitive, debauchery, sex and orgies, ritualistic and otherwise, they ban the day and replace it with a much more family-oriented day commemorated by the Catholic priest Valentine who had been martyred for marrying Christians against the will of his Roman pagan masters. Till today debate continues on the wisdom of naming an entire day and holiday after a man who could not for the life of him respect the laws of the land. Admittedly its a small debate. Ok, theres not actually a debate but there should be. But this is neither the forum nor the time.
While in the past Valentines Day has represented a mingling of young love and the labourious mundane rituals of older love, today it has come to mean something a little bit different. Yes, admittedly there is still a real and truly lovely aspect of love, respect and libido involved in this, our day of love, but something more has crept into the cockles of our heart shaped cards and chocolate boxes. Were this a Free Mason ritual I would now be risking my life by revealing the following, however, it isnt and all I risk is the reputation of my below signed initials.
Speak now! you say. Patience, is my retort. For if you took but a moment you would know of what I speak. Take all of the red, pink and white that litters the halls of stores and pharmacies away and there remains something of the Valentines Day of old; a last auspice of our licentious ancestors. It takes the form of an unwritten but well understood contract between man and woman. While the nick knacks and pageantry of modern day Valentines Day indeed serves the purposes of commercialism it has taken on a greater, more significant role. No one is foolish enough to believe that one costly day of gifts, chocolate, teddy bears and lingerie truly represents one persons love for their partner. No one would be that foolish and anyone who was, or is, should be subject to the cruelest humiliation and torture. That of course being the drawn and quartering of their beloved pet by rabid, mage infested ewoks (although, it would more realistically be performed by costumed midgets in the throws of a Speed induced frenzy)
Instead, these totems of shallow emotion and token appreciation represent something much more honest and much more transparent. I speak of course of the contract between man and woman, partner and lover, husband and wife. One, and I wont be presumptuous enough to say which, receives all the gifts of the day: the boxes of chocolate, flowers, gifts, teddies (wearable and otherwise), dinner, wine and Chinatowns entire catalog of aphrodisiacs. And the other? What, you ask, do they receive on the forerunner of the second-tier holidays? That of course, is the right to ask (not demand mind you), to encourage, request, and endeavor to cajole their partner into participating in a one-off act of sexual liberty and bawdy adventure. For one day of the year, what is usually the male of the relationship, has spent enough money, and earned enough relationship points (for lack of a better term) to press his case for the fulfillment of certain, previously forbidden sexual taboos and acts formerly considered the depraved request of a bold and shameless libertine.
So remember, this month as you fret and plan, and while most of you wait too long and settle for your second choice of restaurant and Baby Duck sparkling wine, you will not be the only one praying that youve stuffed youre partner with enough aphrodisiacs to quench the appetite of a Roman orgy- cozying up to them saying what most of your counterparts will be saying: Please baby, come on; its Valentines Day.